


Cordelia's Cross To Bear

by GeckoGirl89



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Community: comment_fic, Cordelia's Killer Visions, Ficlet, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Angel/Cordelia Chase - Freeform, Loneliness, Mentioned Past Angel/Buffy Summers, Oblivious Cordelia, Pre-Episode: s03e11 Birthday, Season/Series 03, Secrets, Self-Esteem Issues, Subtext, Terminal Illnesses, implied major character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 05:29:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9477641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeckoGirl89/pseuds/GeckoGirl89
Summary: She considers telling them, sometimes. But she never does. This is her burden, her cross to bear, and she must deal with it alone, with only the comfort of her ghost.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt "Any, Any, hiding a chronic illness" on comment-fic: http://comment-fic.livejournal.com/788406.html?thread=101890742#t101890742

She considers telling them, sometimes.  
  
It would feel a lot less lonely if they knew, she thinks. She wouldn't have to pretend to need to use the restroom just so she could take her Seltrex, the only medication strong enough to occasionally ease the pain. As humiliating as it would be to have someone witness her throwing up in the bathroom as a side effect of her medication, it would be nice to have someone hold her hair back, clean up any vomit that couldn't make it to the toilet, and help take her to a room when she's feeling weak and dizzy. Maybe, just once, she could cry with someone for the fact that she won't even live long enough to make it to 25, will never get to be a famous actress, or have children or grandchildren of her own.  
  
Dennis does what he can when she has a vision or suffers from after-effects at home, but she doesn't always have visions at home. And as much as she loves Dennis, ghostly arms can't provide the comfort of a human touch.  
  
(Or a vampire's touch. Cordelia tries not to think about that.)  
  
But she never does. This is her burden, her cross to bear, and she must deal with it alone, with only the comfort of her ghost.  
  
Cordelia knows that the news of her imminent demise would devastate her friends. She imagines how awkward the announcement would be and how it would suck all of the life out of the room (vampire pun not intended). There's no easy way to say "Hey guys, I could die at any moment!" Cordy doesn't want to see Wes, Gunn, Fred, Angel, and Lorne walking around like the walking wounded because of her. They already have enough to deal with as it is, and she can't take away all of their happiness.  
  
Angel would be the worst. He already has so much guilt for things in his past, things that aren't his fault, and things that can't be changed. He would feel so much remorse as the person for whom she gets the visions in the first place. Cordy gets the sense that Angel feels responsible for her, like the idiot he is. She had made it her personal mission to make Angel less broody and she can't tell him something that would send him into a perpetual brood.  
  
At least until he finds some way to get rid of the visions. Angel would be stubborn and pigheaded enough to force the visions out of her regardless of her protests, and the others would cave to his demands. Cordy can't let that happen either.  
  
The visions give her a purpose, a reason to be a part of Angel's team. As much as she hates the way they made her practically brain dead, Cordelia wouldn't give them up for anything. Angel was stupid and sentimental enough to recently say that he needed her for more than her visions, but Cordy knows that isn't true. What else could he use her for, her poor computer skills or incomprehensible filing system? Yeah right! It's not like she's  _Buffy_  or something.  
  
That's why she didn't take that opportunity with Groo to give up the visions. Instead, she maintains a careful routine to ensure that the others will never find out. She keeps her Seltrex in her purse or in her pocket when she must take it at work, and she stores her purse under her desk every day. She avoids taking her medication at work whenever possible and makes excuses to leave before the nastier side effects can kick in. She never writes down when she has an appointment with her neurologist and tries to schedule her appointments at times that make her lies that about having a date or an audition or needing to go home to sleep seem plausible. She stores the CAT scans and medication that no longer works in a plastic tub under her bed. Out of sight, out of mind. She swore Dennis to secrecy months ago, and she rips apart the little notes he leaves her insisting that she  _"Tell him!!!"_  (And of course, she knows that Dennis is referring to Angel.)  
  
Cordelia can't tell anyone she's dying from brain damage, so she ensures that her secret will never be discovered and lets everyone assume that the visions only cause manageable, survivable pain. It's terrible, but it's the best option she has.


End file.
